Dear blog

Three months have gone by and I am no better than I was when this nightmare started. In fact, I’m worse because I am totally broke. I have rationed out my meals so that I eat one pack of 33cent ramen every other day. I buy NOTHING. But, this won’t help come the first of the month, when I do not have enough money to pay the rent.

I apply for work every single day, weekends included. I have not gotten any job offers. I do not want to have to go apply for welfare. I don’t even think I qualify for it, since ex has custody of the kids. Something has to change or I’m on the streets soon.

I meet with family services today. I hope the meeting is short. I hope my ride gets me there on time. I hope the social workers tell me I can talk to my girls again. I hope Helen tells me Josh can take me to drug testing. Wow, I didn’t realize I had so much hope in me today. I hope it gets me through, instead of pulling me down. I hope my hopes aren’t dashed.

After I visit, I have a long day of trying to not text my ex. It’s hard going from going out of my way to tell someone I love them every day for 13 years to not being allowed to talk to them at all. I don’t have anyone to talk to who understands me like he does, and I end up bottling up so much that it comes exploding out twice a day, expressed as massive ‘”I love you” and “I miss you” textathons, with apologies and begging and all that wimpy stuff included, which, according to the internet, isn’t helping our relationship. It’s pushing him away. So, today I have to try to not text him. Even though I’ve already done it.

I miss little things, like, him texting me jokes and funny pictures. I miss him calling and the caller ID reading, “The President.” I miss seeing him off to work and welcoming him home. I miss him thanking me for dinner. I miss him smiling at me from the shower in a romantic invitation to join him.

I miss my kids like crazy, especially in the mornings. I miss helping Lily with her hair. I miss Katie grumbling at me from under the covers when I have to wake her up for school. I miss hearing Mason’s feet hit the floor and his footsteps running down the hall, and seeing him smile brighten his sleepy face when he saw me.

“Good morning my Mason!”

“‘Morning, mom!” *hugs hugs hugs hugs*

“Oh, I love you my boy. I’m so happy to see you!”

“I love you too, mom! Cuddle?” And we’d just sit together for 20 minutes, being happy.

I miss snacktime and homework time and story time and coloring time and park time and going to the store and to the mall and for walks around the block. I miss singing and rhyming and playing with my kids. I miss teaching them and learning from them. I miss sitting in her room and listening to Katie’s stories, and trying to guess the punchline to Lily’s jokes, and marveling at Mason’s shared discoveries and ponderings.

It’s hard to keep things like this to myself. I share these thoughts with Josh. He doesn’t respond to me, but he hasn’t blocked me, either. So, I have hope that he’s not completely given up on me. But, it’s hard, because, sharing thoughts like this with him is just pushing him away, according to the internet.

Why doesn’t anyone respect that I am fighting for my marriage? Why am I just supposed to give up on the most important thing in my life? Why am I discouraged from trying?

I don’t get it, blog.

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